


Shadowed by Every Other Weight

by AnonymousSpacePrince



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Friendship, Getting Together, Love Confessions, M/M, Marauders' Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-23
Updated: 2017-10-23
Packaged: 2019-01-21 23:51:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12468772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonymousSpacePrince/pseuds/AnonymousSpacePrince
Summary: Sirius' feelings had been burning a hole in his chest, and he had felt like he was going to melt down into nothing if he didn't tell someone what was happening to him. So he'd confessed to Remus that he was painfully in love with James. He'd faked a smile and tried to play it off lightly until Remus had leveled him with a look and said, "you don't have to pretend it doesn't hurt."Sirius is in love with James, James doesn't know, and Remus is a very caring friend.





	Shadowed by Every Other Weight

**Author's Note:**

> i can't see remus and sirius together romantically, but i love them as close, mutually-supportive friends with lots of platonic love for each other, so i loved writing this to explore that dynamic in conjunction with james and sirius as a romantic pairing.
> 
> i hope you enjoy!
> 
> title is from the song _carry you_ by novo amor

    The thing was, Sirius didn't _care_  about James relentlessly pursuing Lily. That was the way he would tell it, anyway, to anyone who would ask. The truth was, he cared a great deal, however much he wished he didn't. He cared so much his chest ached with it, and sometimes it made him feel sick, but there was nothing he could do.

    James was James. His unceasing pursuit of Lily was one of his defining features, no less than his messy hair or his best-friendship with Sirius, so Sirius didn't see what good it would do anyone for him to admit that he was heartsick over James.

    It was stupid, really, he thought. He was often annoyed with himself for feeling the way he did, because if he had a say in the matter, he wouldn't feel that way at all. If he could, Sirius would lock his feelings in a box and toss the box into the Room of Requirement along with everyone else's unwanted junk, never to be thought of again. But he couldn't, no matter how inconvenient they were, because his feelings clung to him like a second skin. He'd had them so long, he might feel raw and exposed if they were removed. They, like his hatred of his family, had been there long enough to become a part of him he doubted he'd ever be rid of.

    Some days the feelings really were bearable. The days when James gave Sirius all his attention but didn't get too touchy were the best; it was easy for Sirius to enjoy their friendship without feeling sick over what he wanted but couldn't have. On those days, Sirius found himself not needing to put up a front to avoid worry or questioning.

    But those days were fewer and farther between than ever before. Sirius was finding it far more usual to fake a laugh than to have one burst forth of its own accord; far more common to recite his teasing of James like a memorized text than to come by it honestly; far more frequent to put on a smile only when people were looking at him.

    Sirius was a good actor, really, so nobody suspected there was anything below the surface. The only person who knew was Remus, and that was because Sirius had told him. At the time, Sirius' feelings had been burning a hole in his chest, and he had felt like he was going to melt down into nothing if he didn't tell someone what was happening to him. So he'd confessed to Remus that he was painfully in love with James. He'd faked a smile and tried to play it off lightly until Remus had leveled him with a look and said, "you don't have to pretend it doesn't hurt," and then Sirius had let his smile fall away and he'd felt a sort of sad relief wash over him like ocean spray.

    Sirius was never more thankful for Remus and his understanding of the subject than the night of a particularly hectic Gryffindor party. They'd won the Quidditch Cup, so the energy was high and the alcohol flowed copiously. Sirius was having a pretty good time. A great time, in fact. He nursed his drinks and kept them to a minimum, because he didn't trust his drunk self in the slightest, but he was maintaining a pleasant level of tipsiness in which he was alert but relaxed.

    He wandered the party, amusing himself with the antics of others: a third year who had just mastered _Incendio_  was setting pieces of tissue paper on fire in mid-air to the cheers of a drunken, easily-entertained crowd; a very drunk sixth year girl was transfiguring her hair colour repeatedly in the mirror, laughing uproariously as she did so; part of the Quidditch team was bellowing a ballad together, standing arm-in-arm, but James wasn't a part of it.

    Sirius only had a moment to wonder where he was before he found out and promptly regretted doing so. James was in an armchair at the edge of the room, and much to Sirius' shock, Lily Evans was in his lap and they were kissing heavily. They were going at each other as though oblivious to or uncaring of the crowd amassed in the room, Lily's hands in James' hair and James' sneaking under the hem of her shirt to touch skin. Sirius suddenly felt sick to his stomach in a way that had nothing to do with the alcohol he'd consumed.

    He pushed through the crowd rather forcefully, not having any remorse to spare for the people he accidentally knocked over, and got up the stairs to his dorm as quickly as he could. His vision was blurry with unshed tears by the time he got there, and it took him only a second to realize Remus was already there, sitting up in his bed reading a book.

    "Oh, hi," Sirius managed.

    "Hey, I thought you were-" Remus stopped as he looked up and caught sight of Sirius' face. "Are you okay?"

    Sirius shook his head, his hair falling slightly in his face as he did. "James is snogging Lily downstairs," Sirius said, his voice breaking.

    Remus frowned and set his book aside and said softly, "oh no, Sirius, come here."

    Sirius, more grateful for his friend than he'd ever been before, walked over and collapsed onto Remus' bed, letting Remus envelop him in a tight, comforting embrace as Sirius started crying in earnest. Rough sobs wracked his body, broken by interspersed shaky inhales, and he was so crushed that he didn't even feel but the slightest twinge of shame and embarrassment.

    Remus held him, soothingly rubbing his back, stoking his hair, and murmuring soft easements and sympathies as Sirius cried severely into his chest.

    After a good half hour, Sirius calmed down enough that his tears came silently, broken only by his frequent sniffles as he tried to breathe through the congestion that had accumulated, along with the noise of the party still going on downstairs. Sirius' head hurt and his eyes were sore, and the more he settled, the more embarrassed he was by his outburst.

    Remus, of course, made this easier, because he continued to hold Sirius and run his fingers comfortingly through his hair as though he wasn't the slightest bit put out.

    "Sorry," Sirius muttered when he'd finally stopped crying, feeling as though there were no tears left to fall.

    Remus simply said, "none of that," in a kind tone, and Sirius nodded and laid his head against Remus' shoulder, closing his eyes and feeling thankful beyond words for his friend.

    "Thank you," he said, even though he felt the words inadequate to express just how much he appreciated Remus.

    "No trouble," Remus said mildly.

    They stayed like that for a while longer, Sirius feeling too numb and tired to move unless prompted, and Remus not prompting him to. The sounds of the party went on downstairs, loud music and drunken laughter and the occasional pops of small explosions.

    Soon, the soft, echoing sound of footsteps on the spiral staircase joined the melancholy. Sirius hoped it was someone from another year off to bed and he wouldn't be bothered, but he was not so lucky: the door to their dorm opened and James entered the room and paused, swaying on the spot, as his eyes drunkenly focused on Remus and Sirius.

    "Wha's goin'on here?" He slurred, looking amused until he seemed to notice Sirius' tear-stained face and unhappy expression. "Oh, Padfoot, are you alright?" He asked, evidently making an attempt to sound more sober than he was, as he took a step closer.

    The idea of James coming closer, acting worried about Sirius when he no doubt still smelled of Lily's perfume made Sirius feel sick. "Go away, would you?"

    James looked hurt, and Sirius resented him for it. "But... Are you okay?"

    "Go away!" Sirius shouted, jumping up and taking out his wand, looking like quite a force to be reckoned with with his stony expression and dark demeanor. He wouldn't hex James, but James didn't have to know that. "Out!"

    "O-okay," James said, looking surprised and apologetic as he stumbled backwards toward the staircase.

    Once he was gone, Sirius sighed and looked back at Remus, who looked carefully unaffected. "I'm going to bed," Sirius said. "Thanks for... everything."

    Remus smiled lightly. "What are friends for?"

    Sirius returned his smile half-heartedly, feeling yet another surge of affection for Remus, before climbing into his bed and shutting the curtains.

  
    Sirius woke up to the sound of birds chirping and sunlight streaming in through the split in his curtains. His headache had subsided overnight, and some of his sadness seemed to have gone with it, though he still couldn't get the image of James kissing Lily out of his head.

    His stomach growled, so Sirius decided to get up and go to breakfast. When he opened his curtains, he was surprised to see that James' bed was empty and unslept-in. Sirius wasn't worried; James probably fell asleep in the common room, but Sirius still wanted to make sure that was so. He brushed his teeth, feeling clean enough and too hungry to bother with a shower, dressed in his school robes, and grabbed his bag and a hangover-cure potion (he was sure James would need it) and headed downstairs.

    Sure enough, James was asleep on the sofa in the common room, splayed out on his back and snoring. The room was empty of anyone else. Sirius sat down at James' side and shook him awake.

    "Wha'?" James asked somewhat loudly as he woke. He opened his eyes to see Sirius and said, "oh, hey." James sat up and immediately winced, squinting against the light and rubbing at his temple warily. "Merlin, I feel awful."

    "Figured you would," Sirius said, and held out the hangover-cure potion.

    James grinned thankfully and said, "you're the best." After taking the potion, he sighed in relief. "That's much better."

    "How much do you even remember of last night?" Sirius asked, allowing amusement to tint his words.

    Without a trace of resentment or anger, James said, "oh, not a lot, just you telling me to get out after... y'know."

    "After you kissed Lily?"

    James paled and he asked, in a stunned sort of voice, "I what?"

    "You kissed Lily. You don't remember that? What were you talking about?"

    "I was talking about finding you upset," James said. "What do you mean I kissed Lily?"

    This wasn't a conversation Sirius wanted to have. "You two got pissed and snogged," he said, hoping against all likelihood that James would let the subject go after that.

    James seemed purely speechless, staring blankly with his mouth open.

    "You're gonna catch flies," Sirius said mildly.

    James snapped his jaw shut and then finally said, "I... What happened after that?"

    "Dunno," Sirius said. "I left the party before you stopped snogging, and then you came up alone awhile after."

    "Huh," James said, appearing to be deep in thought. "Why'd you leave?"

    "What?" Sirius wasn't expecting that question.

    "Why'd you leave the party?"

    "I've just told you you snogged the girl you've been going after for ages and you're worried about why I left a party early?"

    "Well, yeah," James said, "you're my best mate, aren't you?"

    "Yeah, but what's that got to do with anything?"

    James looked hesitant. "You were crying, mate," he said carefully. "I'm worried."

    "Oh," Sirius said. He hadn't expected James to question him about this. He tried to find a way out of the truth. "Well, er... Look, it doesn't matter, alright?"

    "It does to me," James said, giving Sirius a look that felt significant but that Sirius couldn't quite read.

    "I don't want to tell you," Sirius said honestly.

    James frowned. "Why not?" Then he seemed to connect the dots, a look of comprehension taking over his face, and Sirius prepared for the worst. "Oh, do you... Do you fancy Lily?"

    Sirius was so surprised by this that he barked a loud laugh. "No way in hell." He realized too late that that would've been an excellent cover-up.

    "Oh, well, then..." James looked confused again, and Sirius decided it was time to give up the fight.

    "It's not Lily, mate."

    James looked further confused by this, until he seemed to finally understand. A look of surprise dawned, and his eyes darted around Sirius' face as if looking for a sign of confirmation. "Are you saying what I think?" James asked cautiously.

    "What do you think I'm saying?" Sirius replied, because he wasn't about to give it away any more easily than he had to.

    "D'you, er, fancy me?"

    "Something like that," Sirius admitted. His stomach was squirming unpleasantly with nerves.

    "Huh." James looked thoughtful and somewhat upset. "So that's why you left the party? You saw me kissing Lily and it... it upset you that much?"

    "Yeah, well," Sirius decided to throw all caution to the wind, "I'm sort of in love with you, so it was a bit of a dagger to the heart."

    James' jaw dropped. He looked entirely nonplussed. "You..."

    Sirius shrugged, trying to pretend his heart wasn't beating fervently as though trying to escape his chest. "Yeah, well, I'm off to breakfast." _As if I have an appetite now_ , he added in his head.

    James continued spluttering wordless emissions of shock as Sirius stole out the portrait hole as quickly as he could without running.

    Sirius met Remus at breakfast and filled him in on what happened, and Remus looked aghast at the news.

    "You told him you're in love with him?"

    "Yeah," Sirius said, moving a bit of egg around with his fork, uninterested in eating it.

    "Wow," Remus said softly.

    "Yeah," Sirius repeated.

    "And he didn't say anything?"

    "Not really, just spluttered for a bit; I left before he could get any words out."

    "You didn't want to stay to see what he might say?"

    "I couldn't," Sirius said honestly. "I figured if he wants to say anything, he can find me."

    And sure enough, James entered the Great Hall less than ten minutes later. Sirius watched as he approached, feeling almost ill with nerves. James walked straight over and grabbed Sirius by the front of his robes, pulling him up to standing. For one awful second, Sirius' nerves went hot with fear and he thought James might hit him, but the next thing he knew, James was kissing him.

    Sirius gasped sharply, shock and confusion mixing heavily within him, but James insisted the kiss upon him, and it only took a second for Sirius' resolve to crumble. He slid one hand into James' hair and tucked the other around his waist, and he let his lips part as he kissed James back.

    James tasted pleasantly of minty, fruity toothpaste and something natural and individual to him. His lips were softer than Sirius would've expected, so they moved smoothly and unhaltingly against Sirius', and he was quite a better kisser than Sirius had even imagined. Sirius melted willingly into the kiss, especially when James' hands released his robes and instead caressed his cheeks. It was soft and sweet, slow but not too heavy, and James seemed to be trying to pour into the kiss all the things that words had failed him.

    They parted when someone wolf-whistled, as though they'd both forgotten until then that they were in a Hall full of people, but James pressed more kisses still– light, chaste ones– to his lips, and Sirius would be convinced it was a dream if he couldn't so clearly feel James' hands and lips on him.

    James continued to kiss him even as Sirius tried to talk. "What-" _kiss_  "-the hell-" _kiss_  "-are you-" _kiss_  "-doing?"

    Finally, James stopped kissing him and a huge grin broke out on his face. "Making up for lost time," he said simply. It did nothing to abate the confusion still pooled in Sirius' mind, but only served to strengthen the impenetrable happiness he was feeling. James looked around at the Hall, where everyone but the professors were looking at them. (Sirius suspected the professors were well aware of the scene but had more tact than the student body.) "Show's over, people!" James said loudly. "Don't you have your own business to mind?" But the words carried no ill intent as they were spoken through a huge smile.

    Nonetheless, the faces of the crowd turned back to their fellows, going back to their conversations or, more likely, striking up new ones about what had just happened. Sirius couldn't care that he was being talked about as James took his hand and sat down at the table, pulling Sirius back down with him.

    "If you hadn't noticed," James said, quietly enough that only Sirius could hear him, "I'm entirely sober and fully intending to remember doing that."

    "Why did you do that?" Sirius asked.

    "Because you said you're in love with me," James said, and then he continued before Sirius could respond, "and it just so happens that I'm in love with you too."

    It was Sirius' turn to splutter in shock, and James just smiled somewhat amusedly at him until he gathered his thoughts and spoke. "You are?"

    "I am," James said with an unmistakable air of certainty. "That's why I was so surprised when you said I kissed Lily last night; I haven't fancied her for a while."

    "You haven't?" Sirius asked, nearly unable to believe his ears.

    "Of course not, I'm in love with you, try to keep up," James said, grinning as Sirius, despite the situation and the joy still protruding above all other emotion, rolled his eyes.

    "Why didn't you _tell_  me?" Sirius asked, smacking James' arm rather hard with the back of his open hand.

    "Ouch!" James yelped.

    Sirius smirked. "Sorry." He touched James' cheek and kissed him chastely in apology.

    "I'll forgive you for anything if that's how you apologise," James said, then he tugged Sirius back into another lingering kiss.

    Sirius laughed. "I'll keep that in mind."

    "Be my boyfriend," James said, squeezing Sirius' hand.

    "What?" Sirius asked, surprised. He wasn't entirely sure he'd heard correctly.

    "Be my boyfriend," James repeated, clear as day.

    Sirius broke into a grin. "Yeah, of course."

    James matched his blinding smile. "Good."

**Author's Note:**

> this one is especially close to my heart; i really enjoyed writing it, and i'm not sure exactly why, but i'm quite attached to it. this feels somewhat like sending a child off to their first day of school, so i quite hope you like this fic as much as i do.
> 
> comments and kudos, as always, are immensely appreciated.


End file.
